Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
