Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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