If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
