I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Someone came in the potted fern
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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