How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
