i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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