walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
