$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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