"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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