I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
