Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
