We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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