All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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