the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i think i have two assholes
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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