we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
