i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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