He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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