He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
