Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
