its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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