I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
