I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
