It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
