I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
