you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
