I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
