I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
