I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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