I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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