Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
