Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
zippers are such a cool invention
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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