after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
