People with herpes should wear stickers.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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