I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
