How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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