Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
4 words: hood of his car
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
