been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
