If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
