I faked an abortion last night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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