So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
