i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
