Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
