he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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