Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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