i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
