remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
