Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
