May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
