i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
