Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
