I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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