so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
