great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
